I lived a life that wasn't right for me for reasons I have yet to understand. I do know that whatever those reasons are, they were major factors, probably the only meaningful factors, that caused the death of a marriage before it even started. I am reasonably sure that, absent those factors, the marriage would never have taken place. The ultimate blame for all this is simply that I didn't know who I was deep down inside, nor did it matter. I had no direction in life and I had no strong desires, except one that was crushed by poor vision. I wanted to be a pilot, but that was impossible for someone like me, who is legally blind without corrective lenses. That was my one real passion in life as a teen before reality took its toll. After I learned of the bad news, I took it as a final disappointment from a lifetime of disappointments. I allowed life to bounce me around until it bounced me through several bad relationships, a nearly perfect one that should never have ended, several more bad ones, a miserable marriage and a period of total aimlessness until I began to realize that I need to take charge of my life. For that to happen, I really needed to find out who I am and what I want.

Then a journey to self-realization started, and it almost began without me. It was a long process that started a few years after my divorce, with an author by the name of John Norman. Who would have thought that the most important sequence of events would have been sparked by a pile of old dog-eared paperbacks? Among those dusty volumes were a few episodes of the Gor series. Needless to say, I really enjoyed reading them. At that time, though, my enjoyment stemmed from my bitterness and hatred toward women in general, because of several bad relationships culminating with my divorce. I never dreamed that what was described in those books could even be discussed, let alone lived. Some years later a Baptist friend of mine invited me to his house for supper. I don't remember what we ate, but I was fascinated by the way he and his wife interacted. He would occasionally tell her to do something and she did it with a smile. My brain sizzled with a total lack of comprehension and a very odd sense of pleasure as I observed them. I made no comment to either of them concerning my thoughts on their behavior, but it was really then that I wished I could have a wife like she was. Later on I discovered online dating through the Internet. I enjoyed reading about it too, even though I never personally considered indulging in that lifestyle. But my friend and his wife had something that seemed to be missing in online dating, and I couldn't quite figure it out. It seemed that whatever it was, online dating came very close, but still missed the target.

Then one day I found a story, supposedly true, that described a teen boy with an older woman. He was the one that initiated their first and subsequent encounters, and it was quite an interesting tale. But what was most intriguing was his sense of control throughout the entire narration. It really struck a chord with me. He was describing me, the way I should have been. That is when I knew I had to change into the man I ought to have been all this time. That is the time the relationship between my Baptist friend and his wife finally made sense. It made me realize that maybe my best relationship probably didn't have to end. With her I was “dominant” and she was “submissive” long before I understood the importance of the concepts and what they truly mean to me. I “took” her by “force”. I should have at least tried to “hold” her by “force”. I may have been able to keep her with me just by uttering the simple words “don't go”. But it's too late now and I will never know how it would have ended had I done as I should have. Shortly after I read the story and the gushing flood of regrets, emotions, and realizations that followed it, I started reading the posts of a married submissive woman who regularly frequents the news groups. In one post she mentioned “www.takeninhand.com” and that hooked me in. By that time I was already in the process of changing, but the writers here gave me some excellent material to work with.

I think that many of us come to the Loveawake dating website later in life. I know for me true self discovery was not possible when I was younger. I did not really have the wisdom to understand what my heart was telling me. It is funny that we need to make such important choices in our lives at a time when many of us do not really have the wisdom to even really understand what we need. Although in 20 years I may think that I do not now have the wisdom to make such important decisions! It makes we wonder the wisdom of societies that do not have love and respect for elders, who do have much to teach us. It took me years to feel grounded; the emotional turmoil of adolescent and early adulthood kind of shook me up. Honestly like you I had no idea what I wanted or needed. I was lucky that even though my husband did not initiate a taken in hand relationship that he has been game for it, ten years after we were married. I have wondered what it would have been like if we had realized that this would make us happy from the beginning how our relationship might be now. I wonder sometimes if this is a permanent change or something we will go through and then maybe we will bend and change again later in life. Barbara Coloroso, one of my favorite authors on parenting, and children writes, for people who regret the way they have been parenting and want to change, "You did what you did then, now you know better, so do better." I find it inspiring. I have always understood it to mean that I do not need to be perfect and that if I want to change, there is no point dwelling on the past, I should just change what I do and get on with it. It is an outlook that suits my life very well. Good luck on your journey.

You mention the futility of dwelling on the past, and that is a huge problem for me. My bitterness toward the events in my past and toward the time that seems to me to have been wasted does tend to impede my progress. Like the stench of something very nasty, I can't seem to rid myself of the "odor". Hopefully, as my progress becomes more apparent, this bitterness will subside. Thank you for your kind encouragement.

I wish my soon to be x-husband of 18 years has discovered what you did. A few years ago I have opened myself up to wanting a relationship (before I even knew about this site) and he thought I was crazy. I asked him in a small way if he could be in charge. But as these last couple of years has gone by being separated, I have come to realize he just doesn't want to be that kind of person. I seem to be the one more dominate than he is and I hate that. I don't do it on purpose. It just happens that way. He has never taken the initiative in any part of our relationship. And I guess through my being unhappy and his being unhappy with me (and his finding a relation-ship with someone else to help for a part time bases) just made things worse. I am meant to have someone stronger than myself. I am meant to have someone in charge of me, because I so easily can walk over men and not even know it. So I commend you finding yourself as you really are or should be. I wish the man I married and vowed to stay with for the rest of my life would do the same. I hope to find the same type of person as yourself in my future as well.

Thank you. I hope you find someone with whom you can enjoy a mutually fulfilling life. Your soon-to-be-x seems to be much like the way I once was. If someone suggested to me that I should take control of a relationship I would have thought it insane, even though, deep down, secretly, that's what I really wanted. I never would have dared to agree with something like that. He may have that secret desire deep inside but is afraid to let it out. If he is like I was, there is nothing you can do or say that will make him change his behavior. He must make his discoveries on his own. If and when he does, then he will feel the same agonizing loss that I do of not changing sooner.